there is something utterly profound about music - the way it envelopes us... the way it pierces our defenses and enraptures our soul... laughter and sorrow, memories and musings. and as drunken and off-key as karaoke may be, there's something endearing about it that sends a thrill through my heart and sends me into reverie. (okay, maybe not the songs where we're jumping on the couches and screaming out our lungs, but still...)

summer has finally arrived, yet i'm still inundated with work (though of a different kind)... supporting myself financially, advancing my career... mending relationships... and on that note, i'd just like to say that it was wonderfully refreshing and heartwarming to meet with old and new friends last night... it also made me realize just how much i'm going to miss my chola (though i won't miss the fist-sized bruise on my leg from when you violently shoved me into the table...)

i suppose this summer is more about reorganizing and refreshing myself than starting anew... looking back, i'm haunted by the unsettling thought that i have rarely been truly satisfied... i'm often content to settle for the moment, only to regret it later... academically, physically, mentally - - -

in a vein more relevant to the present moment, i think i may need a muzzle to keep from rambling late at night when i'm exhuasted... the other night, i somehow became engaged in a conversation with the NYU security guard about horseback riding, an asian pow-wow, and, get this, the virtues of beating your children. Yep, that's right, i told my security guard how glad I was that my parents beat me as a child. L O L .

well... it is yet another late night... a mere few hours before the sunrise and work... so with this, i bid you all a good night.

xanga seems almost like an obligation now, rather than a welcome release, yet each time i finally sit down and approach it, it is as comforting as an old friend - one that neither judges nor complains.

i haven't updated in months, but really, what is time? it's just a human construct. we do things now or later. we die in a few days or decades from now. so then, with what shall we measure our existence? perhaps the answer is our achievements. not what we want to accomplish or our daring youthful ambitions... no, it is only now that i realize how useless ambitions are... "i'm ambitious." well, that's nice, but what have you done? everyone is ambitious - everyone dreams, whether it's from a desk in a classroom, the top floor of an executive office, or the cozy niche of a familiar sofa with a cup of cocoa clutched in your hands, the lazy tendrils of steam painting penthouse views in the wintry night.

a man that i greatly respect once told me that much of what he has done up to now has been driven by an innate sense of curiosity. what is this? why does/doesn't it work? if i threw a cat out the window with a slice of buttered toast strapped to its back, which side would it land on? i kid... mebbe.

what do we go through our lives seeking to discover? for what are we curious?

what will we achieve?

so yes, i've been hiding in my little cave of a room these past few weeks... kept company by my lovely chem and bio textbooks and the occasional foray into the real world... fun... but yes, i thought i'd do a lil blogging to declare that yes, i am still alive, and to satisfy the little xangan in me screaming w/ indignation and pent up issues, haha...

over the years, i've come to call new york city home, but sometimes i can't help but look around and realize how little heart there is here... it's a city of apathy... bitterness and cynicism. no wonder i love it, haha.

this weekend, i realized that beggars are choosers here... and during  my second volunteer shift at a soup kitchen in the city, i became horribly disillusioned. i met some amazing people there... people who willingly took time out of their lives to help those who were less fortunate... people who enjoyed working at the soup kitchen, much as i do... i also met people who were unwillingly forced into volunteering there (as some type of punishment i suppose)... and a person who outright told me that she no longer wanted my organization to volunteer at her soup kitchen because we didn't bring enough people this time. w. t. f. yea...

sometimes i can't help but laugh at all the protests (and mock protests) going on around the city. wat are they really protesting? wat are their motives?

but, there are a lot of good things here too. friends. family. people u can turn to for help, for comfort, for celebratory woohoos.

home is where the heart is... and a part of my heart will always be here.


so yea, i'm going to Ghana over spring break. should be interesting... a new perspective... tho it's sad to realize that wat u see isn't the real Africa... it's just wat they want u to see... wat they think will get them a place in your heart... and wallet... and each wave of tourists that flocks there just twists them more and more... ah well, such is life... i'm still excited tho ^^... i've been getting stuck full of needles and horrific diseases all month, and i am determined to enjoy this trip!

on the down side, i'm gonna miss a lot of ppl... and a lot of the little luxuries we have here... i won't be in a mud hut, but still...

...so yes, i've decided to experiment w/ cooking rather than baking lately (though i'll get back to homemade brownies soon enough)... i got a little too excited and went all-out food shopping... and now i'm rushing to cook it all before it goes bad or the roaches get to it o_O

...so apparently my cooking has made one of my asparagus-hating friends into an asparagus-eating friend, lol... inspired by this, i cooked my first four-course dinner in my dorm today, yay! XD... and better yet, my guinea-pig, i mean guest, didn't die! =P... garlic bread (from scratch), roasted eggplant, chicken, and cheese n crackers... it actually turned out quite well... wat to cook next?

...this weather is absolutely horrible... however, if u decide to come visit me, and give me advanced notice, mebbe i'll cook for u =P... isn't that incentive enuf to get out of ur dorms, brave the rain, and come visit me in the shady bowery? =P

...halfway thru midterms... so far so good...

...on a side note, the doctors at the clinic where i work are starting to talk to me, yay! ("hi" counts)... and i think i sense an inkling of respect, weee... =P

...ended the tax free holiday the same way i began it... w/ shopping XD

wandered around Queens Centre for a bit... there were so many ppl! still, i got quite a bit of shopping done =P...

...and then chilled at Ken's mini housewarming party... i luv ur apt Ken and Ming!!!... hot pot... so yummy XD... and then Ashley and I did some "quality control" as Ming bartended... all drinks had to pass a rigorous drinking test before they could be passed on, and, of course, some had to be detained =P...

first class of the semester in a few hours... need some sleep =/... g'nite all! =)